Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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