your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
