i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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