dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
