i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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