My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
