i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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