Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
