kristin has been a bad kristin
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
