a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
