She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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