If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
