Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
