i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
