The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
