Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
