Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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