first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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