Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
