I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
