omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
