So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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