I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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