she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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