She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
