BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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