Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
