my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
