I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
