My friends, they love my intelligence
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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