she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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