I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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