I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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