I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
