i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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