totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
