Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
