And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
