Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
