I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I would ride that face into the sunset
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
