Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
