remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
