someone threw a dead crab at me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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