Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
