I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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