I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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