My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
