May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
