Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Randomize
