Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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