umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
