I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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