There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
