I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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