Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
