We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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