lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
