um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
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My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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