from now on my penis is your penis
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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