Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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