i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
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ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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