my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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